Confessions of a Working Mom - Oh, the Guilt

The best part about working full-time is the nice paychecks.  The worst part about working full-time is the guilt.  Oh, the guilt.

Two months ago, I finally got the full-time job I had been looking for.  It was an arduous process, to say the least.  I graduated in December of 2011 and had been looking for a full-time job since.  During my searching process, I stayed home with my two girls and worked sixteen hours a week on the weekends.  I enjoy staying home with my two girls, but I prefer to put my skills to work in an industry, so each night I would apply online to as many jobs I qualified for.

I am so happy I got the job I did.  I love what I do.  I really enjoy it.  My boss is amazing and the people I work with are a delight.  The guilt does not come directly from my job, it comes from my babies.

Each work day when I have to wake my girls up super early in the morning to get them all dressed and ready to go to the sitters, I feel guilty.  I just want my sweet babies to have their beauty sleep.  When my four year old snaps at me with a sassy tone, I feel guilty.  I feel like she's sassy because I'm not there enough to keep her in line.  When my tiny baby poops right as I take her out of her car seat to go to the sitters, I feel guilty.  I don't want her to think I'm sending her away because she has gross pants!

So much guilt.

I debated even writing about this, because I feel like I should have a solution to my guilt by now, but I don't, at least not yet.  I try to spend time quality time with my girls when I'm home.  I tell them stories that I make up, play blocks, write with chalk and bike.  I also try to have conversations with my four year old in the car.  Sometimes these things disperse my guilt, but usually not.  The hardest is when I'm trying to be nice, and both of the girls are just mad and tired because they've already had a long day.  My tiny baby is whiny and my four year old turns into Sassy Pants Sally.  Not fun to be around, but then I feel guilty for thinking that they aren't fun to be around.  Ugh.  Never ending games inside my head!

I think this is going to be a working process.  I need to find what works for me and the girls.  It has only been two months, so my hopes are that I will be able to iron out these guilty feelings as time passes... wishful thinking?  ...maybe.

-Amber